Have a Laugh, Public Pests Are on Display!

In partnership with the Department of Sanitation, the Department of Education, and the MTA, Central Park has opened up exhibits in which Public Pests, more commonly known as General Nuisances Against Traveling Students (GNATS), are publicly punished for their crimes. 

The first exhibit upon entering the park shows the most common variant of Public Pests: Pedestrian Pests, ranging from slow walkers to road blockers to other making-your-walk-more-miserable-ers. The Sluggish Snobs in question are usually punished via treadmill, where they are forced to walk with obstacles varying in size and speed appearing along the way while being constantly bothered by alerts, sampled from the Pest’s own voice, yelling that they’ll be late to their destination. The road blockers’ punishment is similar to that of the slow walkers, but with every twist and turn on the treadmill, they are faced with immovable human or physical obstacles. Though it sounds simple, the pestering alerts and frustration of being unable to move forward is inhumane enough. “I’m going to strangle the next student I see,” said a peeved slow walker, who had been sentenced to three hours of treadmill after making at least five students late to their first period class.

Though the Pedestrian Pests remain the most prevalent in NYC, many commuters have reported that the next most populous Public Pests are the Smokers. These Public Pests are known for loitering around, tossing their barely used cigarettes onto the sidewalk, and blowing smoke in people’s faces. In the exhibit, the Smokers reap what they sow. They are tied up uncomfortably and faced with a machine producing a gas that smells exactly like that of cigarette smoke, without the unhealthy side effects. The exhibit’s visitors are handed biodegradable mock cigarettes, empty cigarette packs, and lung cancer pamphlets to throw at the Smoker if they wish to do so. After the punishment, the Pests are obligated to pick up any and all trash surrounding the area, including the litter from their exhibit. When asked for comment, the Smokers coughed repeatedly.

Those who take public transportation are familiar with the Space Hogger. The Space Hoggers share the same kind of spatial unawareness as the Pedestrian Pests, but moving subway cars make them impossible to escape. In the exhibit, the Manspreading Space Hoggers are forced to sit next to a gymbro robot with a human-like body manspreading into the Space Hogger’s personal space. The Pole-hugging Space Hoggers, on the other hand, have to deal with multiple robots, designed with human-like, sweaty hands, placing their hands uncomfortably close to the Space Hogger’s hands or hooking their arms around the pole. With nowhere to sit or anywhere to comfortably hold onto a pole, the Space Hoggers will have to figure out how to balance themselves on a moving train. If they were to fall down, all the robots surrounding them would begin to stare at them, laugh, and record them for TikTok. “We’re having so much fun,” said an anonymous robot.

The last of the most popular exhibits features an infestation of pests that not even an exterminator can fix: the Gum Chewers. Any public space has the taint of these vile, disgusting, putrid pests; as a result, this is a highly requested exhibit, especially from older New Yorkers yammering about “these stupid kids.” According to an anonymous student volunteering to help brainstorm exhibit ideas, this specific punishment is “easily the easiest to think of,” but “the hardest to find victims—I mean Pests for.” Within the exhibit, the Pest would not be bound to anything but instead encouraged to try to escape. The walls and floor are covered with Already-Been-Chewed (ABC) 5 Gum, preventing the prisoner from moving more than a couple of inches. Just like the Smokers, the exhibit’s visitors are handed peeled foil from the gum wrappers and can optionally stick them onto the pest, forcing the Gum Chewers to rip the foil off of themselves while covered in gum; these foils will later be recycled. Since capturing Gum Chewers is rather difficult, the Department of Sanitation requests that if you see something, say something by calling 800-444-PEST. Any and all tips sent to the 800-444-PEST hotline will be screened and examined carefully in case of prank calls from soon-to-be Public Pests.

Currently, public reception towards the exhibits is relatively positive. “The punishments are pretty fair because they act as a taste of your own medicine,” an anonymous student said. In the future, seasonal exhibitions will open up beside the current permanent exhibits, such as the Stinkbugs and the Tourists.